It's not your time yet

Can you imagine this: 

 

I am rocking it out with one of my favorite female fronted rock bands, she is singing her piano solo, it is breathtaking.  She has such a great voice, almost angelic, and then I am not breathing.

 

I am aware.

 

The people around me that I befriended for the concert are aware.

 

Still not breathing.

 

70 seconds.

 

90 seconds.

 

100 seconds.

 

I can hear the paramedics, near the stage, saying in 20-40 more seconds they will call the ambulance and start performing CPR if I drop.

 

Then nothingness.  No light, no darkness, no sounds, it's all gone.  Completely nothing. 

 

Before I start breathing again, I am being told it's not my time.

 

Then I start breathing.  It's like nothing happened, but something did.

 

I am becoming more aware of the people, the paramedics, all suddenly taking a breath of relief.  I didn't drop dead.  But yet I was dead. 

 

Why? Is death so much better than the struggle of life with trauma, whatever you name your trauma?

 

No flashbacks.

 

No constant nightmares.

 

No feeling unclean.

 

No triggers.

 

No anger.

 

Also no joy.  

 

No love. 

 

No seeing people care for me.

 

No struggle to find the right words.  

 

And no ability to care for others.

 

So what's better? The struggle? The fight to stay as sane as possible.  Death?

 

I prefer the fight, the relearning of joy and love, the struggle to find the right words to tell people to leave me alone, hands off, go away; but that's just me.

 

If you want to stay reading this website, know that the clothing might be offensive, the posts are a bit off.

 

All I want is to show each and every one of you to see that joy and love are possible after trauma.

 

That boundaries are necessary and that you can feel safe again.

 

So keep coming to this website or leave, the choice is yours not mine, but remember

 

death is nothingness and it's not your time.