What triggers me constantly?

This seems to be highly personal and maybe it is but something that needs to be said I think.  We are all on different places in our healing and what seems like I am repeating myself (*ok maybe I am) but those are things that have helped me.

Looking back all those tiny or even tiniest of tiny steps help me move forward and to become the person I am today.  Not everyone will like me, the newest version of me, and many want and have tried to push me back to the person they could manipulate more, but I firmly stand my ground. 

I LOVE the newest version of me.  The one I always wanted to be or strived to be because it was the freest version of me.  This one has pretty much come out of her shell and is trying to live her life the way she sees fit and with the ones that she finds the most interesting, the coolest, the hottest, and most importantly, THE SAFEST.

You don’t have to like me, or even accept me (yes I know who you are), but at least, at the bare minimum, give me space to breathe in.

Life is and wasn’t easy.  Not for me and not for you.  Why are you complicating my life?

Back to what triggers me.

Smells, certain perfumes bother me.  And I mean not just the sneezing kind of bothering me.  The specific smell literally transports me back to the times those wearing that smell sexually assaulted me.  The times those that tried to bully me mocked me or even worse tried to be violent and smiled when I flinched.

What do I do?

I take a deep breath in and look them straight in the eyes and just stare.  I touch the closest thing next to me, the counter, the door, whatever is close by and hopefully separating us.  I mentally remind myself this is DIFFERENT than those times because IT’S NOT THE SAME.

And when the interaction is done, I step away and find a bathroom if I can or just walk.  To shake out those things my body remembers and keep reminding myself that IT’S NOT THE SAME and that I was SAFE during that interaction.

Why?

Because I learned that living underneath the covers or in a VERY closed world, shut me off from the things I enjoy doing.

Concerts and seeing my friends band perform.

Trying new food.

Traveling and seeing the ocean, again, like it was the first time.

Finding a new long term partner to share life with.

So I took the smallest step that I could and I started to rebuild my life.  I did and still do somatic exercises to help my body feel calmer and safer.

Because life doesn’t stop, life stops when you force it to stop, and you are the only person that keeps moving forward or stays stuck.  The choice is yours what to do.

But I hope you keep moving forward.